Stepford SUV Bubble Explosion

Posted by jael on Dec 2, 2010 in Parenting, Spiritual Journey

This article is about a family culture accident in 2010.  For information regarding why we ever chose to procreate, see Younger and Even More Stupid than 1 Day, 4 Kids, 1000 Miles and 18 Hours.


On November 30, 2010, the day after a family’s freakish road trip home from a sister’s wedding in Boca Grande, an emotive fire and series of psychic explosions occurred among the four children, who had been held hostage in their family vehicle for 18 straight hours without once uttering a plea for food, water, rest, or help from passing motorists or employees at area gas stations on the family’s route.

The explosions occurred within a family unit, area schools and a family home and resulted in the discomfort and anxiety of innocent bystanders, who knew the family before the incidents.  According to a report issued after the accidents, actions taken or not taken led to overstraining of childish impulses through suspended animation, traveling backward in time and the subsequent overpressurisation and pressure relief. Adolescent and pre-adolescent flow to the bottleneck of traffic overwhelmed the children, resulting in excess fatigue and resentment to carry over out of the top of their self-control, flowing onto the backs of those with whom they share relationship, accumulating squarely on the shoulders of The Mamma, causing a maternal cloud, which was ignited by The Husband’s frequent travel as the entire family machine kept running without a brain. The report identified numerous failings in judgment, risk management, family management, Stepford culture within the SUV, rest breaks, nutrition, and general health and sleep.

Aftermath & Legal action

The string of relational blasts began when The Boy entered in the SUV in the driver pick up line after school on Monday afternoon at approximately 3:24 p.m., throwing anger at The Mamma and injuring the ear space of more than 6 other children present.  The Mamma was charged with criminal violations of kidnapping and child endangerment laws and has been subject to lawsuits from The Boy’s teachers. The Boy then slapped The Mamma with an emotional hardship claim, asserting that she was most certainly responsible for the worst afternoon of his entire life.  Attempts at mediation proved unsuccessful as The Boy was too traumatized to talk about it.

The second explosion occurred Tuesday night with a then-record crying jag of The Middle Girl for hundreds of Third Grade violations, and subsequently imposing so much make-up homework that she had missed during the family trip that she was emotionally scarred.  The Middle Girl asserted both an independent suit against The Mamma claiming that she had failed to implement safety improvements following the last family road trip, and joined a class action suit with The Boy to insure that she would never, ever have to travel with The Mamma again.

The third explosion hit Wednesday morning as the fractured family commuted to school.  Baby Girl spontaneously erupted in response to her AR reading book and refused to review for her quiz.  She claimed that she had read so much while trapped in the car on I 95 that she sustained retinal damage.  She took her injured pride with her into the building where she proceeded to throw pencil hand grips under the table during Morning Work time and touching another child’s snack.  Baby Girl was isolated during lunch and had to eat with her back to the rest of the class.  Baby Girl has also filed a lawsuit against The Mamma claiming emotional damage that led to public humiliation with mixed emotional fitures.

At last estimate, The Mamma is being sued for the second-largest class action suit again one parent since May 28, 1988.  Were the Mamma to be found liable in all of these cases, she would have to pay upwards of $38 million in fines and damages.

The Mamma Resigns

The Mamma attempted to retire early amid the various problems plaguing her family since the 1 Day, 4 Kids, 1000 Miles & 18 Hour mind-numbing cruise.  A confidential source close to The Husband disclosed that her plea to resign was rejected.  The Mamma was remanded to her home to honor and serve her family as matriarch for the rest of her life.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

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