As The Mom (The Mom, The Mom) sings so well, we Mammas spend a large portion of our bandwidth repeating broadcasts our children didn’t want to hear the first time.

What she didn’t tell us, and I’m certain only because her two minute and fifty-five second time limit had elapsed, is that there is a little discussed syndrome that affects us Moms, especially those of us with selectively deaf children…

Maternal tunnel syndrome

Symptoms
Treatment
Causes
Tests & Diagnosis
Prognosis
Prevention
Complications
When to contact a doctor

Overview

Maternal tunnel syndrome is a painful disorder caused by compression of a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel from repetitive (needless, and mind-numbing) instructions, reminders, and commands to children over time.  Maternal tunnel syndrome is pressure on the mamma nerve, a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel that supplies rationality, feeling and movement to parts of the speech center and  heart. It can lead to numbness of lips and tongue, sore throat, dry mouth and/or excess saliva, hypertension, and premature wrinkles in the face and neck.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

  • Numbness or tingling of one or both lips
  • Numbness or tingling tongue
  • Pain extending to the pysche
  • Pain in throat
  • Problems with fine motor communication skills (coordination) with adults
  • Wasting away of the hope muscle (in advanced or long-term cases)
  • Weak grip on what battle is worth fighting or difficulty completing a phone conversation without interruption (a common complaint)
  • Weakness in patience, self-control, sense of humor and perspective

You may try wearing an attitude splint at night for several weeks. If this does not help, you may need to try wearing the splint during the day. Avoid sleeping on your face. Hot and cold compresses may also be recommended.

There are many changes you can make in the home to reduce the stress on your maternal pysche:

  • Special devices include voice activated toothbrushes, talking-countdown alarm clocks, toxic fume alarms for athletic bags, pre-recorded reminder voice chips for hampers, bedroom drawers, litter boxes, musical intrustments, lunch boxes, homework planners, backbacks, etc.
  • Someone should review the position you are in when performing your home activities. For example, make sure that eye contact is level with the child and not bent upward while lecturing. Your doctor may suggest an occupational therapist (to insure you have not gone clinically insane and that the children’s selective deafness does not have an organic/medical cause).
  • You may also need to make changes in your home duties or recreational activities. Some of the jobs associated with maternal tunnel syndrome include those that involve correcting children and vibrating disobedience. Maternal tunnel syndrome has also been linked to teachers, nannies, coaches and children’s pastors.

MEDICATIONS

Medications used in the treatment of maternal tunnel syndrome include nonsteroidal ethanol such as found in Shiraz and Vodka.  Prayer massage over the marternal tunnel area, may relieve symptoms for a period of time.  In severe cases, spa treatments may be indicated, and include, pedicures, facials, deep muscle massage and Date Night.  Excess shopping therapy should be avoided, and leads only to complications of the illness cycle and lack of financial peace.

SURGERY

Maternal tunnel release is a surgical procedure that cuts into the identity that is pressing on the nerve. Surgery is successful most of the time, but it links with the Witness Protection program, and is viable only to patients willing to abandon the home in order to reduce long term nerve compression and its severity.  Treatment is a final option.  Psychological and medical assessments are required before a surgeon grants reconstruction.  Procedure is irreversabile, and as such, there are few documented cases.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

The maternal nerve provides feeling and movement to the “what I do every day matters” area of the psyche (the confidence, resilience, certainty, perspective, and this-too-shall-pass-and-then-you’ll-actually-miss it) sides.

The area in your psyche where the nerve enters the vision is called the maternal tunnel. This tunnel is normally narrow, so any swelling can pinch the nerve and cause pain, numbness, tingling or weakness. This is called maternal tunnel syndrome.

Maternal tunnel syndrome is common in people who perform repetitive molding of children and youth. Speaking to minors on a regular basis is probably the most common cause of maternal tunnel. Other causes include:

  • Excessive Swearing and/or cussing (in burst of frustration, anger, or anxiety)
  • Directing
  • Assembly line craft tables at volunteer art booths or potluck dinners
  • Pestering
  • Wringing of hands
  • Use of reminders (especially daily task reminders like empty your lunch box, brush your teeth, inside voice, etc)
  • Any transportation task that requires you to drive multiple children to different venues at the same time
  • Sports such as Time Out, You’re Grounded, and No Cell Phone
  • Playing the What-If Game with The Husband in bed at night, instead of Grab & Tickle once the kids are finally in bed

The condition occurs most often in people 30 to 60 years old, and is more common in women than men.

A number of medical problems are associated with maternal tunnel syndrome, including:

  • Stroke
  • Diabetes
  • Alcoholism
  • High blood pressure
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Kidney failure and dialysis
  • Menopause, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and sterilization
  • Infections
  • Obesity
  • Rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), and scleroderma

During a physical examination, the doctor may find:

  • Numbness in the tongue, lip, throat, larnex, index (pointing) finger, and attitude
  • Weak perspective grip
  • Tapping of the Overwhelmed region may cause pain to shoot from the psyche to the heart (this is called Mamal’s sign)
  • Bending the Family Calendar all the way for 60 seconds will usually result in numbness, tingling, or weakness (this is called Denial’s test)

Tests may include:

  • Electromyography
  • Nerve conduction velocity
  • Skull x-rays should be done to rule out other problems (such as I’ve actually lost my mind).

Symptoms often improve with treatment, but more than 50% of cases eventually require Girls Night Out Therapy.  Successful healing can require a regular regimine of fun outside the home.  Surgery is not recommended.

Avoid or reduce the number of repetitive corrections whenever possible. Use tools and equipment that are properly designed to reduce the risk of injury.

Ergonomic aids, such as talking toothbrushes, stink alarms, reminder software, and attitude braces may be used to improve psychic posture during parenting. Take frequent breaks when lecturing and always stop if there is tingling or pain.

If the condition is treated properly, there are usually no complications. If untreated, the nerve can be damaged, causing permanent weakness, numbness, and tingling.

When to contact a BFF

Call for an appointment with your BFF if:

  • You have symptoms of maternal tunnel syndrome
  • Your symptoms do not respond to regular treatment, such as rest and anti-attitude medications, or if there seems to be a loss of joy in your daily routine

In all seriousness, call for an appointment with your doctor if:

You have symptoms of depression, or any active imaginings/plan to hurt your children, yourself or others.

The thing that is NOT funny about this spoof, is that being a Mamma really can be so stressful that it may be literally dangerous to your health and the welfare of others.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!