Arts and Entertainment


I had a near death experience this morning.

OK, it probably fell short of actual mortal peril, but only because I tottered but did not fall, and still, I could have been seriously injured.

It was a humbling moment, one of those freeze-frame-suspended-in-time-moments devoid of all post The Matrix mojo moves now so commonplace in action films. Fleshy, metaphorically and literally, I fell into harms way in my own closet, unable to execute any judo-spring-flips of escape.

Yeah, that, and my opponent was a thong.

Stop it.
STOP!
Just stop already.
I can hear you laughing.
I have feelings.
Tender, big, bruised feelings.

Let’s begin with some ground rules:

1. Warning: Much of the action depicted and/or described in this post is potentially dangerous. Virtually all of the ridiculous stunts chronicled are performed by experienced, harried mothers. (Mothers may also appear hairy depending on the last time they had the opportunity to shave even one leg.) Do not attempt to duplicate any of these stunts at home. Always wear the appropriate safety gear.

2. Lots of mothers of four wear thongs! Many of us have esteem and organizational issue aplenty without excess resources to manage panty lines.

3. What happened to me could have happened to anyone. Panties are notorious rivals of opportunity. Just when you think you’re safe in your closet, yours too might hold you hostage.

4. I may be able to multitask while meditating, but apparently, I can’t always dress while brushing my teeth. You know how tricky those new sonic toothbrushes are -all buzz and beep-timed to hit each, vital, oral quadrant.

5. No judgement!

6. Stop laughing already. I was in danger! And I’m fragile.

Picture the typical Monday Morning Mamma Drill.

You all know it’s a double time with a weighted pack, uphill march. Each child added to the dynamic increases the maternal incline by 14%. It’s T minus 11 minutes before kids need to be loaded in the wagon headed toward school. Lunches are packed, the kids’ teeth are brushed, their hair’s all reasonably styled, but The Mamma’s still in her jammies. Mind you, I’m not in recline and bon-bon, nightgown mode, I’ve spent the 72 minutes since I rose in mid-sprint as support pad for the week’s launch. I’ve packed lunches, made beds, combed hair, refereed fights, emailed school about two acute issues, cleared breakfast dishes, and helped to track down not one, but three critical items that mysteriously went MIA for children that swear to all the gods of Olympus, “I put it right there!”

All these morning maneuvers left me with approximately 312 seconds to get myself ready to get out the door. I grabbed my Sonic Care toothbrush, began brushing my teeth, and headed to the closet to dress. Holding the toothbrush in my right, dominant hand, I began to pull on my panties with left.

I was teetering toward the floor before I realized what had happened as Sensodyne toothpaste drool splatter-painted my chest and bureau. The innocent, little stump that is my usually well-behaved and quite compliant pinky toe hooked the waist band of my unmentionables. Naturally, this occurred just has the toothbrush timer bleated at me to switch mouth quadrants, so I shifted my toothbrush in my mouth as I simultaneously yanked up my undies, oblivious that my runt toe had shackled me.

If you know nothing else about me, know that I loathe confinement and that I’m strong.

I can also be impatient, so when my initial tug did not produce immediate results, I yanked harder, literally pulling myself off my own feet.

I was falling.
Slowly.
Oh, so slowly.
It was a painful freeze-frame fall
like time-lapse,
slow motion film,
like in National Geographic episode,
just before the leopard’s
strong jaws tear
down the lone antelope.

I had enough time to realize what was happening to me. Already humiliated at the prospect of a severe sports injury from thong misuse, I considered I could break something important if I fell wrong. I wondered if The Husband would have to sell my story to 1000 Ways to Die in order to get the kids through college. Those off-balance seconds lasted long enough for me to wonder if my misfortune would result in an untimely demise stupid enough that at least The Fam could make some Reality TV-cash.

As I deduced that there probably weren’t truly bad choices nor sheer bad luck enough to meet the show’s morbid requirements, my mouth dropped open, the toothbrush smashed to the floor, and my hand pistol-shot out to catch the built-in shoe rack. This bought enough purchase to allow me to counter balance back to right.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. How fragile are we as creatures that we can be taken out by our own under garments?

No need for Starbucks this morning, Sojourners.
I had me a Vinte double shot of adrenaline Thong this morning.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah !

 

A friend as beloved to me as is John to Christ gave me a precious gift for our ride on this new wave of Grace into another place.

She delivered it right to my door, better and fresher than any Domino’s pizza ever.

It came inscribed with words of love and a dare.

If you were as fortunate to know her as I do, you’d be certain without me telling you that when this lady dares me to do something, it’s likely to be a double-dog dare that I never ever would have volunteered for in my own strength!

She honored me with my own copy of one thousand gifts, Ann Voskamp’s own dare to The Body to LIVE FULLY right where you are.

She knew not only that I would adore it, but also that I would need it in this neon crayon land of hurricanes and flat landscapes so smooth that they make shelf paper look like ski slopes.

She trusted to me to understand that it was more than just another inspirational title,

but also the freedom to map my mind,
the invitation to transfuse my attitude with gratitude,
the inspriation to discern a God-incident from a coincidence,
the lyrical hug of a well-painted phrase,
the sweet assurance of Glory’s side,
the bursting open the Word like a first born son,
the thrill of vanilla extract in a freshly scrubbed cupboard,
Splenda on the top of the first morning’s box at coffee time,
the stark reminder that survivor’s have scars,
and the sultry, tangerine dawn of certain hope.

Never one to back down from a dare, especially a double-dog dare from a heart like John’s, I have invested this past week of tears, attacks and work to seek His face as industriously as you know I have also organized our lemon blaze kitchen and stalked innocent boxes like a hungry leopard.

I’ve found Jesus is not so good at hide-and-seek.

He’s everywhere,
everywhere
and ever,
forever
when I simply stop
and look for Him
as constant
as His Promises.

My Jesus is just too shiny to be any good at hide-and-seek.

And so my beloved ones,
I dare you.
I double-dog dare you.
I triple-hog dare you over a barrel of cheese…

LIVE FULLY right where you are.

Get a pad of paper or journal.

And get ready to take notes.
lots
and lots
and lots
of notes
like a Homeric catalogue
as His Name is Holy
and He loves
you as much as me.

You are His
own beloved.

You’ll find Him there right where you are, blessing your life with gifts of love just for you.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah!

This era of Netflicks and Hulu is also a time when young children may develop eating disorders. In a study from the journal Communication Research, University of Michigan researcher, Kristen Harrison, Ph.D., has shown television viewing to be correlated with both anorexic and bulimic symptoms.  Harrison observes that, “[t]here was a significant positive correlation between overall viewing (hours per week) and disordered eating symptoms,” among the 6-8 year old children studied. Overall television viewing was examined, which includes advertising.  “Dieting to lose weight is the norm on television, and children may glamorize it as a ‘grown up’ thing to do and thus start to do it themselves,” Harrison explains.  The study also suggests that children may engage in these copycat dieting and exercise behaviors before they internalize the message that the thin body is the socially ideal body.  Parents and teachers can minimize the impact of the diet-obsessed media by exposing children to alternative information.  They can demystify the thin ideal by teaching kids to become critical television viewers.  This weekend, instead of just asking, “What’s on?” kids should be taught to challenge the content and images of what’s on.  Instead of blithely accepting the standard thin network icon, children can learn to question its commercial motive.  Children need these TV savvy skills. Moreover, children should be encouraged to put down the remote and pick up a soccer ball.  A bad show lasts only 30 minutes, but a bad relationship with food may last a lifetime.

I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

From the mouths of babes.

My kids told me about it.

The Husband alluded to it in Middle Girl’s lunchbox love note.

Internet sensation.

1 million youtube hits on its debut day.

Rebecca Black.

Friday

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

[Rebecca Black - Verse 1]

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

[Rebecca Black - Verse 2]

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Rebecca Black Friday lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/rebecca-black-friday-lyrics.html

Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

[Bridge]

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after…wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

[Rap Verse]

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

[Chorus]

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Well Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
!

The Academy Awards.

It’s a popularity contest.

Let’s just admit that, and award the films we love and want to win.

1.) Category:  Best Movie with an Eye Patch:

And the winner is, True Grit.

2.) Category: Best Whiskers in a Movie:

And the winner is, True Grit.

3.) Category: Most Authentic Period Vernacular:

And the winner is, True Grit.

4.) Category: Best Picture starring Matt Damon when Matt Damon Doesn’t Flex His Bisceps and Bed Damsels:

And the winner is, True Grit.

5.) Category: Best Film to Show Mother-Daughter Issues Could be Worse Than Our Own:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

6.) Category: Best Film Featuring Drug-Induced-Lesbian-Hallucinations:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

7.) Category: Best Film to Portray that The Performing Arts Eat Their Young:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

8.) Category: Most Gruesome & Vivd Depiction of Self-Mutilatation:

It’s a tie. And the winners are, Black Swan & 127 Hours.

9.) Category: Film Most Likely to Inspire Men to Return to the Gym:

And the winner is, The Fighter.

10.) Category: Film Most Likely to Make Women Wish Their Husbands Looked like Mark Walhberg:

And the winner is, The Fighter.

And since we aren’t gonna pretend, let’s agree to just call a winner a winner, and admit that’s what the prize is for; winning.

True in high school.

True tonight.

Well maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who’d OUT DREW YA
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen in the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah!