I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you…
I want to be clear upfront that Jael is an alter ego.
The Husband left a comment about Jael after Rise Up, but basically, she’s a woman who allowed herself to be used by God exactly where she was. And where was she? At home, in her kitchen, busy with her Old Testament life and family, figuring out whether it would be their version of Pizza Rolls or Mac ‘n Cheese for lunch.
Basically, when the need arose, this wife and mother became a badass assassin whose efforts sealed the war’s outcome. There’s beauty and power in her obedience to move. She didn’t shrink from getting her hands messy when she drove a tent spike into Sisera’s temple, with a mallet! She did what was necessary in defense of her God, her house and her family.
I adore this depiction of her! Check out her determination and strength:
In my first post, Broken Hallelujah, I explain the name of this blog, and that I am an insecure, packrat Seeker whose Hallelujah broke.
I am also a wife and mother of four with more work to do than I have hours in the day, or money in the bank.
Add the fact that I chose work that develops the gifts of others rather than the use of my own, and you might begin to understand that I begin my walk with you service-weary and uncertain of my own talents.
However, I risk the atrophy of inertia and choose to lift my voice.
There’s a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah!
I owe you an explanation for why I use an alter ego and not my given name. I respect some of you won’t be satisfied without a rationale, and others will identify me and wonder what all the cloak-and-dagger tomfoolery is all about.
I want to be like Jael. I want God to use me exactly where I am, for His purpose. And whether that means constant mind-numbing carpools, or a cameo stint as a badass defender of somebody somewhere, I want to stand. I choose to stand. And sometimes, standing up is all I’ve got.
Here’s the scoop. My process is raw, and I write about my daily life. I don’t want to violate the privacy of my children or house. We live in a provincial corner of an America that you know is in the middle of its own identity crisis, and I just want to feel safe again.
I want to grow.
I want to understand.
I want to know I don’t cry alone.
I want to believe Solidarity need not be solitary.
I want to love my God with all my heart.
I believe in Joyful Healing.
I’ll do my best, it isn’t much,
I cannot see you, so I’ll try to touch,
I’ll tell the truth, I didn’t come to fool you.
And even if
it all goes wrong,
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song,
with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!