The Academy Awards.

It’s a popularity contest.

Let’s just admit that, and award the films we love and want to win.

1.) Category:  Best Movie with an Eye Patch:

And the winner is, True Grit.

2.) Category: Best Whiskers in a Movie:

And the winner is, True Grit.

3.) Category: Most Authentic Period Vernacular:

And the winner is, True Grit.

4.) Category: Best Picture starring Matt Damon when Matt Damon Doesn’t Flex His Bisceps and Bed Damsels:

And the winner is, True Grit.

5.) Category: Best Film to Show Mother-Daughter Issues Could be Worse Than Our Own:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

6.) Category: Best Film Featuring Drug-Induced-Lesbian-Hallucinations:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

7.) Category: Best Film to Portray that The Performing Arts Eat Their Young:

And the winner is, Black Swan.

8.) Category: Most Gruesome & Vivd Depiction of Self-Mutilatation:

It’s a tie. And the winners are, Black Swan & 127 Hours.

9.) Category: Film Most Likely to Inspire Men to Return to the Gym:

And the winner is, The Fighter.

10.) Category: Film Most Likely to Make Women Wish Their Husbands Looked like Mark Walhberg:

And the winner is, The Fighter.

And since we aren’t gonna pretend, let’s agree to just call a winner a winner, and admit that’s what the prize is for; winning.

True in high school.

True tonight.

Well maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who’d OUT DREW YA
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen in the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah!