Perilous Thong

Posted by jael on Sep 26, 2011 in Arts and Entertainment, Spiritual Journey |

I had a near death experience this morning.

OK, it probably fell short of actual mortal peril, but only because I tottered but did not fall, and still, I could have been seriously injured.

It was a humbling moment, one of those freeze-frame-suspended-in-time-moments devoid of all post The Matrix mojo moves now so commonplace in action films. Fleshy, metaphorically and literally, I fell into harms way in my own closet, unable to execute any judo-spring-flips of escape.

Yeah, that, and my opponent was a thong.

Stop it.
Just stop already.
I can hear you laughing.
I have feelings.
Tender, big, bruised feelings.

Let’s begin with some ground rules:

1. Warning: Much of the action depicted and/or described in this post is potentially dangerous. Virtually all of the ridiculous stunts chronicled are performed by experienced, harried mothers. (Mothers may also appear hairy depending on the last time they had the opportunity to shave even one leg.) Do not attempt to duplicate any of these stunts at home. Always wear the appropriate safety gear.

2. Lots of mothers of four wear thongs! Many of us have esteem and organizational issue aplenty without excess resources to manage panty lines.

3. What happened to me could have happened to anyone. Panties are notorious rivals of opportunity. Just when you think you’re safe in your closet, yours too might hold you hostage.

4. I may be able to multitask while meditating, but apparently, I can’t always dress while brushing my teeth. You know how tricky those new sonic toothbrushes are -all buzz and beep-timed to hit each, vital, oral quadrant.

5. No judgement!

6. Stop laughing already. I was in danger! And I’m fragile.

Picture the typical Monday Morning Mamma Drill.

You all know it’s a double time with a weighted pack, uphill march. Each child added to the dynamic increases the maternal incline by 14%. It’s T minus 11 minutes before kids need to be loaded in the wagon headed toward school. Lunches are packed, the kids’ teeth are brushed, their hair’s all reasonably styled, but The Mamma’s still in her jammies. Mind you, I’m not in recline and bon-bon, nightgown mode, I’ve spent the 72 minutes since I rose in mid-sprint as support pad for the week’s launch. I’ve packed lunches, made beds, combed hair, refereed fights, emailed school about two acute issues, cleared breakfast dishes, and helped to track down not one, but three critical items that mysteriously went MIA for children that swear to all the gods of Olympus, “I put it right there!”

All these morning maneuvers left me with approximately 312 seconds to get myself ready to get out the door. I grabbed my Sonic Care toothbrush, began brushing my teeth, and headed to the closet to dress. Holding the toothbrush in my right, dominant hand, I began to pull on my panties with left.

I was teetering toward the floor before I realized what had happened as Sensodyne toothpaste drool splatter-painted my chest and bureau. The innocent, little stump that is my usually well-behaved and quite compliant pinky toe hooked the waist band of my unmentionables. Naturally, this occurred just has the toothbrush timer bleated at me to switch mouth quadrants, so I shifted my toothbrush in my mouth as I simultaneously yanked up my undies, oblivious that my runt toe had shackled me.

If you know nothing else about me, know that I loathe confinement and that I’m strong.

I can also be impatient, so when my initial tug did not produce immediate results, I yanked harder, literally pulling myself off my own feet.

I was falling.
Oh, so slowly.
It was a painful freeze-frame fall
like time-lapse,
slow motion film,
like in National Geographic episode,
just before the leopard’s
strong jaws tear
down the lone antelope.

I had enough time to realize what was happening to me. Already humiliated at the prospect of a severe sports injury from thong misuse, I considered I could break something important if I fell wrong. I wondered if The Husband would have to sell my story to 1000 Ways to Die in order to get the kids through college. Those off-balance seconds lasted long enough for me to wonder if my misfortune would result in an untimely demise stupid enough that at least The Fam could make some Reality TV-cash.

As I deduced that there probably weren’t truly bad choices nor sheer bad luck enough to meet the show’s morbid requirements, my mouth dropped open, the toothbrush smashed to the floor, and my hand pistol-shot out to catch the built-in shoe rack. This bought enough purchase to allow me to counter balance back to right.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. How fragile are we as creatures that we can be taken out by our own under garments?

No need for Starbucks this morning, Sojourners.
I had me a Vinte double shot of adrenaline Thong this morning.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah !



Sep 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Ha! So wish The Husband had been there with the iphone so it would be life long captured! Glad there are no serious injuries. I’ve had a similar experience with a Lands End miracle suit! Sent it back pronto!!

Thumbs up on the whimsy post : )

Sep 26, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Yeah, would have been hard to explain to your husband that you had to come 1,000 miles to nurse me cuz I hurt my own self with my panties! xo

Sep 26, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I’m with tj! Glad you aren’t more sore but thanks for sharing this fun post.

Sep 27, 2011 at 6:44 am

🙂 Gotta keep it real, right? Especially with our very human bodies.

Sep 27, 2011 at 10:58 am

Your admonition not to laugh, was way lost on me….! I still snicker as I “see” the picture – the pro’s and con’s of those “floss” things not even worth their catagorical name…. Just glad the damage was to nothing more than the self-regard!

Sep 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

I laugh to remember you call them “floss” things! Ah, you, so precious to me! xoxo

Oct 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

I miss your voice when you haven’t posted in the past week. I hope you’re not tangled in a heap at the bottom of your closet, unable to get to your computer to let us know you’ve been bested by your thong! I miss seeing you and your big rig of love in carpool pickup line. It was always a boost just to know that you were there, present and on the scene with all your dynamism and intention.

Oct 4, 2011 at 8:17 pm



bh Q&A | broken hallelujah
Oct 4, 2011 at 9:22 pm

[…] I want you to know that I received an unprecedented number of questions in regard to the thong post including my first, official piece of hate mail from the infamous […]

Oct 7, 2011 at 7:43 pm

OK OK… I needed a good laugh and dose of YOU after that brigade to St Pete for the b- ball thing.

You dunked this one girl!

Soooooooooo funny! I am laughing out loud and the family is dying to know why! Sorry guys…. only something a mother could love!

PS As your personal trainer (friend aside… this is my serious assessment!) this will happen less and less as you work on that flexibility!

Oct 7, 2011 at 8:14 pm

You’re awesome!

and home!





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