Be The Change

Our church family participated in a Be The Church program this Sunday.  Very:

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world,”
—  Mahatma Gandhi

our church family was called to go out and serve.

And it was good.

A less often Mahatma Gandhi quote opines:  “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

There is much I will mine from our experience together today.

I confess that I am overwhelmed.

Steeled by Fruit and sheer work ethic alone, inside, we rooted through roaches, mold and human excrement, while outside we primed and painted.   As we did so, able-bodied, adult, children of the couple we served were either dormant within, or absent from the home.

I need to think about and write more about this day, for now, however, I trust that under the litmus of both his oft and lesser quoted charges, Gandhi would have endorsed our work today.

I want to be the change Gandhi challenged, and live my life as a Christian he would consider a good branch of His vine…

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Reading as a Contact Sport

Reading can be more fun than TV and tastier than buttermilk waffles with butter and maple syrup if you know some simple secrets to engage your child.

Children’s literature is inherently musical and packed with refrains.  It begs to be sung, drummed and acted.  The more active your child becomes in a story, the more fun he discovers reading can be…

a.)    Sing It!  Preview book to identify its refrains, once found, link them to the melody of a popular children’s song that you and your child can sing together every time it appears in the book (to tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, “Brown bear, brown bear what do you see?  I see children looking at me.”

b.)    Perform It!  Preview book for major plot points.  Organize props so that children can act out book as it is read. (Stone Soup: gather wooden spoon, pot, and pictures of featured vegetables, allow child to stir soup and add vegetables as they occur in book.)

c.)    Put it on Stage!  Allow children to use hand puppet and theater to perform book after it has been read.

d.)   Record Autobiographical Entries: Write brief accounts of daily events you have enjoyed with your child.  Let him practice his reading and block it for performance.  Practice together to perform when other family members return home.  Save entries for keepsake book.  (Sledding:  Greet Daddy at the door  in hat, coat and scarf when he gets home and take him for a ride in Living Room Park.  His ticket to ride- an envelope with child’s story inside!

e.)    Pick it Up and Put it Down!  The rhythm of children’s lit makes it a natural to be produced as an exercise video.  Identify the actions (verbs) of the book and turn it into an exercise routine.

f.)     Simple Signs!  Classics like Goodnight Moon invitie sign language education.  Teach child the ASL signs which correspond with the main words/refrains of a book.

g.)    Turn it Into Art:  Children love to paint and draw.  Let them illustrate their key scenes from their favorite reads.

I’ll stand before the Lord of Song with a book in our hands and a skip in our step, with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah!

Behavior Do/Do Not List for Kids

What if instead of pediatricians sending home do/do not lists for parents, they published one for our sweet, little charges instead?

Think of the valuable regroup/first aid time we could save as families if our children complied with the following simple guidelines:

User-errors break Hallelujah!

I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Preteen Survival Skills 101: Laundry to Budgeting

In my father’s family, there was a list of skills that had to be mastered before they were eligible for their driver’s license.  It included things like being able to do their own laundry, changing a tire, and planning and preparing a meal.  My grandparents’ idea behind this policy was simple:  driving a car is a privilege that demands responsibilities.  As times have changed, however, so has the self-efficiency time-line.  Preteens of today are more precocious and savvy than previous generations.  They need survival skills well before they’re 16 because they drive choices that will forever impact their lives well before they ever get behind the wheel:

1.)    Budgeting Lessons Help May Help Balance Trendy Fads-

Whether you give your child an allowance that s/he as to earn through chores or designated family responsibilities, or extend as a stipend, those funds create ample teachable moments.

a. Fix the amount and stick to it.  Having to stretch money over the course of a week teaches simple budgeting principles.

b. Set price limits on what you are willing to spend on given items such as clothes, shoes, technology, school supplies, etc.  If your child wants to get the hot shoes or latest jean label, s/he will have use allowance funds or save up for it.  This practice will help preteens become critical not only of their choices – what is important enough for me to spend my own money on, but also aware of the (high) price of things in general.

c. Consider mandating child set aside a portion of his/her funds off the top for savings, college, tithing, taxes, etc.  Doing so models how much of family allotted funds have predesignated purposes that might help preteens understand the realities of budgeting on a larger scale.

2.)    Laundry

I don’t advocate that preteens learn to do their own laundry because I think they need another chore, I suggest it because it is a lifelong maintenance issue of housekeeping.

a. Sort and Temperature.  Teach why it’s important to sort the laundry into darks and whites and wash them at the appropriate temperature.  Bottom-line it, “If you want that new shirt you just spent your allowance on to last, you need to take care of it.”  Caring for their own clothes can teach preteens more than just laundry skills; it can help them develop responsibility.

3.)    Changing a Flat Tire and Simple Car Maintenance

Let’s face it: it’s not just a helpful skill to know, it encourages self-sufficiency.  These are not the times when I want my son or daughters dependent on the kindness of strangers to fix a flat.

4.)    How to Plan and Prepare a Meal

Like car maintenance, planning meals is a routine chore of every household.  Preteens cannot appreciate or learn the process without getting involved.  Given the epidemic of childhood obesity and the pennies most of us have to pinch, it’s a good idea to show a budding adolescent that it’s all a little more complicated than it looks.

a. Get out the recipe book.  Mandate that the novice chef model the family dietary recommendations.  Emphasis nutrition.  Set a limited number of vegetables and a maximum number of calories.  Remind them why it’s important to eat well.  Let them research how much work is involved in choosing and making a meal.  Whatever their attempts taste like, it will help them appreciate what the usual house chefs go through every night.

b. Set the budget.  Have them write a grocery list and accompany you to the store.  Insist they keep to the budget.  Encourage them to make the choice between generic pasta and no-label ice cream.

c. Make meal.  Celebrate the attempt and choke down whatever they serve.  Fair is fair, it’s what we ask of them.  You might even offer to do the dishes.

5.)    Family Drug/Alcohol Policy

No one likes the cliché, “If you don’t talk to your kids about drug and alcohol, someone else will,” but it is nonetheless true.  What will be your family action plan for alcohol/drug policies?

a. Educate yourself and each other as a family.  Talk about drugs and what is and is not acceptable under your family model.

b. Draft and ratify a Family Drug/Alcohol Policy and have all members of family sign it.  Post it in the house to remind everyone what they agreed to.  Consider the following items to include:  Definition of drugs, list of drugs that are and are not acceptable, specific consequences for use (first offense, second offense, etc.) Pledge not to drive with impaired individuals (all); Pledge to pick up family members, no questions asked, if they call for a ride in lieu of getting in the car with someone with whom they do not feel safe, etc.

6.)    Family Crisis Plan

It doesn’t take the war in Iraq to document that these are uncertain times.  Humans are fragile creatures.  All times in the history of time were uncertain.  None of us are immune to challenge, but as families we can plan for what might come so that if it does, we can stand united:

a. Smoke alarms, family escape plan, family meeting place and fire drills.

b. Plan what to do if one is separated from the family in a crisis.

c. Organize back-ups; make certain the entire family knows the name, number and address of an emergency contact person.

d. Store provisions handy in the event of big snow storm, bad weather or unexpected events.  It always makes good sense to have batteries, water and a store of canned goods on hand.  Make a family project day out of organizing provisions.  Consider launching neighborhood focus group together.

We can’t protect our preteens from all the temptation, challenge and pain that is out there, but we can equip them with the survival skills of critical thinking and life-skills so they enter their teenage years with tools. Feeling unprepared for what the world demands of us is an Hallelujah breaker at any age.

You say I took the name in vain
I don’t even know the name
But if I did, well really, what’s it to you?
There’s a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Mitzvah

For those of you who don’t know, Mamma Grok (see Word Study, A Shout Out to Teachers for back story on her awesomeness) is a huge vessel of light, love, wisdom and a swift kick in the attitude when I most need it.  A friend this week described her as, “Doing a constant ministry all around her.”  She knows when to till and when to harvest, when to carry a meal and when to offer a hug, when to console and when to boot you in the butt.  She will always know more than me, but never preaches.

Last week we sat at a well together among a forest of mighty oaks, and talked about the word law.  Mamma Grok is a Word Study guru and loves her some etymologies.  Under the shade of sweet sister trees, Mamma Grok pulled up the Hebrew roots of law.  As fellowship wind caressed our faces like sprite spirits of light, Mamma explained that the term mitzvah comes from the teachings of Judaism.  To mitzvah, she explained, expresses obedience to God’s law through acts of human kindness. According to Jewish Teachings, all moral laws are derived from divine commandments.  An oft quoted abridgement of the Torah is this, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and study it,” (Shabbat, 31a).  As such, Mamma Grok naturally advises me to seek opportunities to mitzvah, to provide service for others.

Being Mamma Grok, she leads by example.  The Boy, three days down in the potty with an expressive GI bug decides it’s fun karma to infect The Mamma when The Papa is out of town for a week.  The girls, however, still needed to eat, get to soccer, complete their homework assignment and go to church.  In fact, and of course, this week hosted Promotion Night, and the girls were to be recognized with shiny badges and pressed sashes for all their hard work.  Quite simply, I was too sick to get them there, and too heart sick to tell them they couldn’t go.  I called Mamma Grok and she thanked me for asking and giving to her the joy of taking them with her.    (MITZVAH!)  That’s Mamma Grok in a nutshell; she reveals the character of God through her relationships, and chooses to live according to the Law of Love.  Surly Psalm 2 was sung over her cradle at her birth; dance joyful mitzvah, dance!

So, once I was able to lift my own face from the porcelain, I emailed her with my thanks.  My girls still smile over the joyful dance of their time together.

Mamma Grok, being who she is, replies:

“The name Jael – broken down in to Ja – el …

“Ja” in my tongue [South African] means “yes”

“El” is the Hebrew for God

So, Ja-el = Yes God!

Whatever You give me, yes God!

Whatever You bring on my road, yes God!

Whatever You tell me, yes God!

Whatever You tell me to do, Yes God!!

Wherever You send me, yes God!

Yes, God! Yes, God! Yes God!

Let there be light…..”

Let there be Hallelujah!

Yes, God!  Yes!

I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Advocacy Deafness

I’m screaming in my head now.  Can’t they hear me?

God I’m cold!  Are they deaf?  (See Maternal Coat to hear why I’m chilly.)

You say I took the name in vain
I don’t even know the name
But if I did, well really, what’s it to you?
There’s a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah!

I thought that this meant only the best attendings would be doing those jobs.  Our experience in the heart cath lab the next morning made me aware that despite my best attempts to make our wishes for The Oldest Girl’s care clear, a miscommunication had occurred.  When The Oldest Girl’s cardiologist explained the heart catherization procedure, he noted that parents usually were asked to say goodbye to their children in their rooms because parents were not allowed in the cath lab.  This seemed more a rule of convenience rather than a necessary regulation.  I worked with the anesthesiologist who came to obtain our consent for the procedure for special permission for my husband and I to walk down with The Oldest Girl to the cath lab, and to remain present while she fell asleep.  We wanted to be with her to help her to stay calm, and to enjoy every moment we could have with her.  We did not know how she would respond to intubation or how long she would remain intubated, and knew that while intubated, we would not be able to hold her.

It turned out to be very fortuitous that I advocated for this exception to the rules.  Had I not, my expressed wishes for her care would have been denied.  The Oldest Girl’s heart cath was scheduled for 10:00 a.m.  At 11:30 a.m., after anxiety had bitten my throat with hungry tin fear the entire morning, we were informed that the delay was because the lab was waiting for the pediatric anesthesiologist who specialized in infant airways to arrive from another hospital.  Although I was frustrated by the wait, I was comforted that the best person available was going to perform The Oldest Girl’s intubation.  Shortly before noon, we were called to bring The Oldest Girl to the lab for her angiogram.  Initially, everything was cordial and dovetailed my expectations.  The heart cath nurse personified compassion as she introduced us to everyone and briefly oriented us to the room.  The attending anesthesiologist for whom we had waited reiterated the intubation procedure, and reminded us that we would not be allowed to remain after she fell asleep.  He then directed us to the procedure table and asked us to lay The Oldest Girl down.  When I did so, I noticed a young doctor, already in gloves at the head of the table.  The anesthesiologist introduced him as a senior resident.  Confusion heated my discomfort as I asked the attending who was going to perform The Oldest Girl’s intubation.  He did not answer me directly; instead he employed circumlocution to assure me that his expertise would be brought to bear.  In the beat that followed, he walked around the table to the medication tray to retrieve the syringe that would facilitate The Oldest Girl’s sleep.  My mind was a thunderstorm in the thirty odd seconds it took him to do so.  Competing thoughts struck across its sky and forebode danger.

Each thought flashed behind my eyes like lightning.  I knew I had to decide whether or not to challenge him, and I realized how little time I had.  I wanted to speak, yet felt that familiar good-girl pull to be quiet and respectful.  I felt betrayed by a system that had only given lip service to my requests about The Oldest Girl’s care.  I was worried if I spoke out that I would anger the team who, in moments, would be performing a procedure on my daughter’s heart and that their anger might breed mistakes.  I was concerned that other parents would not be able to enter the cath lab with their children if I handled the dynamic badly or caused a scene.  I was terrified that if I didn’t speak up that something bad might happen to The Oldest Girl.  I was painfully aware that the only reason they were intubating at all was because they were not certain how well her already compromised respiration would respond to anesthesia.  And I had ten more seconds to make up my mind.  I was her only lightning rod.  I knew I had to speak.  We had waited over an hour and a half for the best person available to arrive for the procedure and it was clear that even though he was in the room, he did not plan to perform the intubation.  The choice then was a simple one.  If the hospital had decided that we could not proceed in his absence, we could not proceed with the intubation if he was not the one to do it.  If the hospital had determined that the senior resident could not perform the procedure without him present, I certainly did not want him practicing his technique on my daughter’s uncertain airway.

“Sir,” I interjected as he completed his trip around the table and had positioned himself next to the senior resident at my girl’s head, “I want you to do it.”

“You don’t have to worry,” his elocution dismissed again, “we have it under control.”

“Sir,” I interjected again, this time with more force, “I’m telling you that I want you to do it,” I asserted, and this time, I looked directly into the attending’s eyes so there could be no mistake that I meant it and I meant him.

“I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal,” I said, this time looking into the senior resident’s eyes, “I only have one The Oldest Girl.”

The resident had not played enough of this type of poker to keep his frustration from his face.  He was pissed.  He wanted this procedure.  Neither he nor the attending acknowledged what I had said.  The resident asked for a mask, the attending injected the IV and she fell into a paralyzed sleep.  We were asked to leave.  Knowing that they only had minutes to perform the intubation before she was in jeopardy, I quickly kissed her forehead, took my husband’s hand and walked out of the room without knowing who would perform the procedure or how The Oldest Girl would be.

“Are you alright,” I heard a kind voice ask as we exited, “do you know your way back?”  I turned to see that the cath lab nurse had followed us out of the room.  “I promise I’ll make sure that he does it,” she comforted.

I was so numb by what had just happened that her words did not register.  “Did you hear what she said?” my husband asked.  “She promised.”

“Do you promise he’ll do it?” I asked, locking eyes with hers like keys to a promise, “I’m not trying to be a jerk, she’s my only daughter.”

“I would feel exactly the same way,” she assured me with eyes as soothing as her voice, “I’ll make sure he does it. ”

“Thank you,” was all I had time to say as she hurried back into the room.

I felt anesthetized myself as we returned to The Oldest Girl’s room to await news.  Like an old-fashioned switchboard, I was on overload.  My circuits could not handle one more incoming demand and I began to shut down.  It was not until the floor nurse relayed the initial report back from the cath lab that I started to feel again.  The first thing the cath lab nurse said in her message was to tell mom the attending did it.  Relief washed over me like a tide.  We were also assured that our girl was fine, but that access to the heart valves was proving difficult.  While we waited for the next update, I talked to my floor nurse about what we had experienced down in the lab.  She hypothesized that the reason the mix up happened was because the cardiology service is independent of the anesthesiology service, and that the information was not passed from one group of The Oldest Girl’s caregivers to another.  She said that I was the best insurance that my wishes about The Oldest Girl’s care were known to all of her doctors.  She helped me formalize and articulate a family treatment plan for The Oldest Girl’s care.  One stipulation required that we be informed who was doing procedures on The Oldest Girl before they occurred. Another stated that we did not give consent to medical students, interns or residents to do procedures on her.  I did not want another protocol misunderstanding to occur in my absence, like in the operating room where I would not be allowed to follow The Oldest Girl’s care personally.

I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue (cuz the family treatment plan’s in writing, baby)but Hallelujah!

Letter to Oldest Girl’s Teachers

So, I got pulled over by the Letter to the Teacher police…

You know the violation, right?

“Please send a letter that explains the strengths and challenges of your child.   What are the goals you have for your child this year?   We invite you to tell us any additional information that would be helpful.”

I didn’t write a letter.

I can remember when I was asked to do this for The Boy when he went to kindergarten.  Man!  You would have thought that I had won the lottery!  It was my opus!  Chronicle the first born!  I wrote my heart out, cc’d the grandparents, adapted a copy for his baby book, and, in addition, wrote him a Benidiction letter to be opened the day he graduates from high school.

Four kids deep, The Oldest Girls’ teacher had to email me to ask where her letter was.

Now, in my defense, The Oldest Girl has the same two, core teacher this  year as she did last year.  Those teachers sent me the exact letter request again this Fall.  I wrote a damn fine, and wholly complete letter to them last year.   I mean, come on, I live with The Oldest Girl, and they taught her every day.  It’s NOT like they don’t know her already.  Do they really need ANOTHER letter?  So I prioritized.  I had to write the letter for The Baby.  She was off to kindergarten, and neither the teacher nor school knew anything about her.  I wrote the letter for The Middle Girl right away.  I love the teacher she has been assigned, and that teacher holds a special place in her heart for my kids, so, like, you gotta keep the love flowing, right?  The Boy’s teachers did not request a letter.  He’s in middle school, and they really are satisfied with me as a parent if I make him wear deodorant every morning.

I confess.  I kind of gave myself permission to skip it.

Then I get the email, “Would love your insights about Oldest Girl when you have the chance.”

In fairness to the teacher, this was a loving and sincere message.  Genuinely, this is a teacher who wants to serve The Oldest girl and support her in every way possible.  I know this.  I believe this.

That said, I so felt like the kid sent to the principal’s office for smacking my gum in class.  Really.  That’s what not turning the letter in on time boiled down to.  Smacking my gum in class.  The attitude problem was entirerly my own.

As some of you veteran parents already know, it’s the tedium of parenting that sometimes breaks Hallelujah.  It’s those phrases or tasks we have to do and say over and over and over and over again that erode enthusiasm like acid rain. Like…making lunches or doing laundry, or “Who’s turn is it to do the litter box?”… Blah, blah, blah!

However, as I confess in I Was The Mamma, the idea of playing nice really resonates with how I was raised, and it was my duty to send in the letter.

I needed to connect to the joy of her.  I needed to let her light of love shine through me.  The Oldest Girl is a TORCH!

I resolved, however, to mix it up this year:

Oldest Girl

Deeply empathic.

Intrinsically driven.

Creative.

Passionate.

Resilient artist.

Ardent friend.

Ready  music.

Perseveres.

TORCH!

intense

convicted

situational intolerance

easily hurt!

Go forth and grow strong in relationships.

Gain confidence through self-investigation.

Stage performances.

Seek opportunities.

Acquire new accuracy and skills.

Honor the truth in the opinions of others.

Rise up.
Drink deeply!

Oldest Girl.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Spelling Tips for Children and Parents

Spelling is a Hallelujah breaker for children and adults.  To be more specific, Spelling homework and quizzes are constant Hallelujah breakers for elementary students (past 5^th Grade, most students use Spell Check like the rest of us), and Spelling homework is a classic Hallelujah breaker for parents.

One of the serenity tippers to both parties is when a kid comes home with a list of family words and one or more Spelling rules.

Believe it or not, I like rules.  They are like runway lights.  They identify a course of safe passage.  However, what if a child brings home a list of words like:

CVVC rule/CVCe rule

boil        rain        name        heal       bake

score       hope        score       shade      tune

Given the English language has many Spelling rules that confuse native speakers, I wonder how a mother to whom English is a second language feels when an acronym riddled list like this comes home.

Acronyms, like professional vernacular, are only helpful when two people of the same subject matter expertise dialogue.  Using linguistic acronyms does not help the student or the parent understand a Spelling rule if it is not also operationally defined.  So if the parent has not learned that CVVC means a word characterized by the pattern of consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant, then it does not help anybody’s anything to be told, “To add –ed or –ing to a CVVC word, simply add it.”

Likewise, the listing CVCe offers no aid to the multi-tasking Mamma, who really needs to pack four lunches for tomorrow, thank you very much, and oh, by the way, The Husband is out-of-town on business, if she doesn’t know that the rule CVCe applies to the word pattern characterized by a consonant, vowel, consonant, silent (or magic in some circles) e.

If you still even care at this point, because no one gave you or your third grader a magic decoder ring for this exercise, that next requires her to sort her words, (for rules she did not know when she came home from school with the worksheet) and then creatively use the words to fragment a nursery rhyme correctly using forms of the listed words, or compose an original ballad with forms of the listed words that laments the European theft of  the Native American’s land and its culture, the student must also remember to apply the untaught rule, “To add an ending to a CVCe word, you first drop the silent e. Then add the ending:  -ed or –ing.”

As such, teachers and parents often notice their students misspell very common words. The English language has different grammatical rules. Below are some spelling rules I’ve adapted to assist other Mammas as they “support their children at home.” Keep in mind that there are always exceptions to every rule.

I Before E

Perhaps the best known spelling rule is, I before E, except after C. Children have been learning this little ditty, also known as a mnemonic device, forever.  What it really means is that if I (the student or the parent) don’t know what you (the teacher) Explained to my kid at school, it can’t be supported at home.

-Able and -Ible

Knowing whether to end a word with –able or –ible is often difficult.  Basically, if the teacher fails to clarify meaningful word patterns, the student and parent often become irritable and binge on the nearest edible consumable.

The Silent E

Silent E helps vowels to say their names is another common chant. This means that the words whose ending make the vowel say their name become enemies of the home, especially homes in which students are taught to hate coercion

Walking Vowels

When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking. This helps children remember all the times that they are asked a question and their parents hoard the conversation and answer for them.  It is rife with derision, and does not build strong relationships or essays.

Commonly Misspelled Words

• Sieve (the immature brain container of what a child remembers was said during morning instruction)
• Acceptable (appreciation of the differences in family’s cultures)
• Space (to accept how individuals are uniquely and perfectly made)
• Peace (of mind that a student can independently understand and complete homework assignments for a classroom teacher)

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Maternal Tunnel Syndrome

As The Mom (The Mom, The Mom) sings so well, we Mammas spend a large portion of our bandwidth repeating broadcasts our children didn’t want to hear the first time.

What she didn’t tell us, and I’m certain only because her two minute and fifty-five second time limit had elapsed, is that there is a little discussed syndrome that affects us Moms, especially those of us with selectively deaf children…

Maternal tunnel syndrome

Symptoms
Treatment
Causes
Tests & Diagnosis
Prognosis
Prevention
Complications
When to contact a doctor

Overview

Maternal tunnel syndrome is a painful disorder caused by compression of a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel from repetitive (needless, and mind-numbing) instructions, reminders, and commands to children over time.  Maternal tunnel syndrome is pressure on the mamma nerve, a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel that supplies rationality, feeling and movement to parts of the speech center and  heart. It can lead to numbness of lips and tongue, sore throat, dry mouth and/or excess saliva, hypertension, and premature wrinkles in the face and neck.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

• Numbness or tingling of one or both lips
• Numbness or tingling tongue
• Pain extending to the pysche
• Pain in throat
• Problems with fine motor communication skills (coordination) with adults
• Wasting away of the hope muscle (in advanced or long-term cases)
• Weak grip on what battle is worth fighting or difficulty completing a phone conversation without interruption (a common complaint)
• Weakness in patience, self-control, sense of humor and perspective

You may try wearing an attitude splint at night for several weeks. If this does not help, you may need to try wearing the splint during the day. Avoid sleeping on your face. Hot and cold compresses may also be recommended.

There are many changes you can make in the home to reduce the stress on your maternal pysche:

• Special devices include voice activated toothbrushes, talking-countdown alarm clocks, toxic fume alarms for athletic bags, pre-recorded reminder voice chips for hampers, bedroom drawers, litter boxes, musical intrustments, lunch boxes, homework planners, backbacks, etc.
• Someone should review the position you are in when performing your home activities. For example, make sure that eye contact is level with the child and not bent upward while lecturing. Your doctor may suggest an occupational therapist (to insure you have not gone clinically insane and that the children’s selective deafness does not have an organic/medical cause).
• You may also need to make changes in your home duties or recreational activities. Some of the jobs associated with maternal tunnel syndrome include those that involve correcting children and vibrating disobedience. Maternal tunnel syndrome has also been linked to teachers, nannies, coaches and children’s pastors.

MEDICATIONS

Medications used in the treatment of maternal tunnel syndrome include nonsteroidal ethanol such as found in Shiraz and Vodka.  Prayer massage over the marternal tunnel area, may relieve symptoms for a period of time.  In severe cases, spa treatments may be indicated, and include, pedicures, facials, deep muscle massage and Date Night.  Excess shopping therapy should be avoided, and leads only to complications of the illness cycle and lack of financial peace.

SURGERY

Maternal tunnel release is a surgical procedure that cuts into the identity that is pressing on the nerve. Surgery is successful most of the time, but it links with the Witness Protection program, and is viable only to patients willing to abandon the home in order to reduce long term nerve compression and its severity.  Treatment is a final option.  Psychological and medical assessments are required before a surgeon grants reconstruction.  Procedure is irreversabile, and as such, there are few documented cases.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

The maternal nerve provides feeling and movement to the “what I do every day matters” area of the psyche (the confidence, resilience, certainty, perspective, and this-too-shall-pass-and-then-you’ll-actually-miss it) sides.

The area in your psyche where the nerve enters the vision is called the maternal tunnel. This tunnel is normally narrow, so any swelling can pinch the nerve and cause pain, numbness, tingling or weakness. This is called maternal tunnel syndrome.

Maternal tunnel syndrome is common in people who perform repetitive molding of children and youth. Speaking to minors on a regular basis is probably the most common cause of maternal tunnel. Other causes include:

• Excessive Swearing and/or cussing (in burst of frustration, anger, or anxiety)
• Directing
• Assembly line craft tables at volunteer art booths or potluck dinners
• Pestering
• Wringing of hands
• Use of reminders (especially daily task reminders like empty your lunch box, brush your teeth, inside voice, etc)
• Any transportation task that requires you to drive multiple children to different venues at the same time
• Sports such as Time Out, You’re Grounded, and No Cell Phone
• Playing the What-If Game with The Husband in bed at night, instead of Grab & Tickle once the kids are finally in bed

The condition occurs most often in people 30 to 60 years old, and is more common in women than men.

A number of medical problems are associated with maternal tunnel syndrome, including:

• Stroke
• Diabetes
• Alcoholism
• High blood pressure
• Hypothyroidism
• Kidney failure and dialysis
• Menopause, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and sterilization
• Infections
• Obesity
• Rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), and scleroderma

During a physical examination, the doctor may find:

• Numbness in the tongue, lip, throat, larnex, index (pointing) finger, and attitude
• Weak perspective grip
• Tapping of the Overwhelmed region may cause pain to shoot from the psyche to the heart (this is called Mamal’s sign)
• Bending the Family Calendar all the way for 60 seconds will usually result in numbness, tingling, or weakness (this is called Denial’s test)

Tests may include:

• Electromyography
• Nerve conduction velocity
• Skull x-rays should be done to rule out other problems (such as I’ve actually lost my mind).

Symptoms often improve with treatment, but more than 50% of cases eventually require Girls Night Out Therapy.  Successful healing can require a regular regimine of fun outside the home.  Surgery is not recommended.

Avoid or reduce the number of repetitive corrections whenever possible. Use tools and equipment that are properly designed to reduce the risk of injury.

Ergonomic aids, such as talking toothbrushes, stink alarms, reminder software, and attitude braces may be used to improve psychic posture during parenting. Take frequent breaks when lecturing and always stop if there is tingling or pain.

If the condition is treated properly, there are usually no complications. If untreated, the nerve can be damaged, causing permanent weakness, numbness, and tingling.

When to contact a BFF

Call for an appointment with your BFF if:

• You have symptoms of maternal tunnel syndrome
• Your symptoms do not respond to regular treatment, such as rest and anti-attitude medications, or if there seems to be a loss of joy in your daily routine

In all seriousness, call for an appointment with your doctor if:

You have symptoms of depression, or any active imaginings/plan to hurt your children, yourself or others.

The thing that is NOT funny about this spoof, is that being a Mamma really can be so stressful that it may be literally dangerous to your health and the welfare of others.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Mamma Lids

I give myself a big D- as a Mamma today.

The only reason I don’t Flag myself, is that I still care enough that I failed my sweet and only boy so completely.

The Boy.

Ah, me.  He hurts me.

It’s not his fault.  He’s 12, and it is his job to be every inch the almost indecipherable teenager he is and will become.

Prior to writing this post, I checked out some other blogs on the topic.  I am in good company.

It amazes, but does not comfort me, how many of us had our own Hallelujahs broke at his age and never healed.

Like me, lots of fine voices raise the F word to identify the party that broke us.

The voice.

Or the face.

Or the name.

Or the penis.

Or the betrayal.

Or the hurt that is still such a nemesis that it breaks our own Mammahoods we desperately seek to do sooooooooooo, oh so much better than was done for us.

As for me, that hurt is still where much of the anger lives, I know when I was first broke.  I needed no ritual ceremony to uphold the bloody sheets.

I understand.  I so understand my limits and lids.  I know my triggers ad nauseam.  Frankly, they are not all that interesting.

I know my hurts, and which parent I blame for what like some freaked out list of grievances from Rainman.   Like the scar I got sliding into home when I was in the third grade, it’s all very familiar without inviting movement or healing.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter anymore.

My scars might now scar The Boy.

And if I don’t stop blaming, and beg God for the healing only He has to offer, all I’ll do is play the obscene forward.

And if I don’t stop, when The Boy sits on his therapist’s couch when he’s 19, or 21 or 35, and asserts, “It’s all my mamma’s fault,” then he will be right.

Because the statute of limitations on parental wars crimes done to me is up.

If I don’t find Power through God to FORGIVE and to change my responses, I will do to them, every inch of what was done to me and more.

‘Cause I know what was done to me.

I already paid for that.

I don’t want mine to pay too.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!