Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

I mourn as I write, and share with you my grief as I reflect upon the day’s headlines.  CNN reported on two, tragically similar stories.  Anderson Cooper interviewed Asher Brown’s parents, and the CNN Wire Staff have updated the Tyler Cleminti story all day.

Words are not only too small for the enormous losses suffered by two, American families this week, they also dilute proximate cause:

Bullied by his peers and called gay for over two years, despite repeated, family interventions to the school, Asher’s choice to come out of the closet to his parents was among his last words.   Asher made this disclosure early on the same day that he entered a closet in his family home and committed suicide by firearm.  Asher was 13.

Tyler Clementi’s last worldly communication was to update his Facebook status, “jumping off gw bridge, sorry.”  Tyler’s suicide is linked to the live, clandestine webcast of a sexual encounter with another man.  Tyler was 18.

Bullying.

Cyberbullying.

Homophobia.

Bias incrimination.

Internet as a tool to hurt and destroy a life and/or reputation.

Intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Hate crimes.

Hallelujah breakers all.

The capacity of technology in our society exceeds the judgment, education, and appropriate behaviors of many users.

Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Bisexual curious youths are four times as likely to commit suicide as heterosexual youths.

We MUST be part of the solution.

Matthew 5:3-12 (King James Version)

³Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

⁵Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

⁶Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

⁷Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

⁸Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

⁹Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

¹⁰Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

¹²Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you, and even though it all went wrong, I’ll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Maternal Tunnel Syndrome

As The Mom (The Mom, The Mom) sings so well, we Mammas spend a large portion of our bandwidth repeating broadcasts our children didn’t want to hear the first time.

What she didn’t tell us, and I’m certain only because her two minute and fifty-five second time limit had elapsed, is that there is a little discussed syndrome that affects us Moms, especially those of us with selectively deaf children…

Maternal tunnel syndrome

Symptoms
Treatment
Causes
Tests & Diagnosis
Prognosis
Prevention
Complications
When to contact a doctor

Overview

Maternal tunnel syndrome is a painful disorder caused by compression of a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel from repetitive (needless, and mind-numbing) instructions, reminders, and commands to children over time.  Maternal tunnel syndrome is pressure on the mamma nerve, a nerve in the maternal psyche tunnel that supplies rationality, feeling and movement to parts of the speech center and  heart. It can lead to numbness of lips and tongue, sore throat, dry mouth and/or excess saliva, hypertension, and premature wrinkles in the face and neck.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

• Numbness or tingling of one or both lips
• Numbness or tingling tongue
• Pain extending to the pysche
• Pain in throat
• Problems with fine motor communication skills (coordination) with adults
• Wasting away of the hope muscle (in advanced or long-term cases)
• Weak grip on what battle is worth fighting or difficulty completing a phone conversation without interruption (a common complaint)
• Weakness in patience, self-control, sense of humor and perspective

You may try wearing an attitude splint at night for several weeks. If this does not help, you may need to try wearing the splint during the day. Avoid sleeping on your face. Hot and cold compresses may also be recommended.

There are many changes you can make in the home to reduce the stress on your maternal pysche:

• Special devices include voice activated toothbrushes, talking-countdown alarm clocks, toxic fume alarms for athletic bags, pre-recorded reminder voice chips for hampers, bedroom drawers, litter boxes, musical intrustments, lunch boxes, homework planners, backbacks, etc.
• Someone should review the position you are in when performing your home activities. For example, make sure that eye contact is level with the child and not bent upward while lecturing. Your doctor may suggest an occupational therapist (to insure you have not gone clinically insane and that the children’s selective deafness does not have an organic/medical cause).
• You may also need to make changes in your home duties or recreational activities. Some of the jobs associated with maternal tunnel syndrome include those that involve correcting children and vibrating disobedience. Maternal tunnel syndrome has also been linked to teachers, nannies, coaches and children’s pastors.

MEDICATIONS

Medications used in the treatment of maternal tunnel syndrome include nonsteroidal ethanol such as found in Shiraz and Vodka.  Prayer massage over the marternal tunnel area, may relieve symptoms for a period of time.  In severe cases, spa treatments may be indicated, and include, pedicures, facials, deep muscle massage and Date Night.  Excess shopping therapy should be avoided, and leads only to complications of the illness cycle and lack of financial peace.

SURGERY

Maternal tunnel release is a surgical procedure that cuts into the identity that is pressing on the nerve. Surgery is successful most of the time, but it links with the Witness Protection program, and is viable only to patients willing to abandon the home in order to reduce long term nerve compression and its severity.  Treatment is a final option.  Psychological and medical assessments are required before a surgeon grants reconstruction.  Procedure is irreversabile, and as such, there are few documented cases.

See also: Maternal tunnel release

The maternal nerve provides feeling and movement to the “what I do every day matters” area of the psyche (the confidence, resilience, certainty, perspective, and this-too-shall-pass-and-then-you’ll-actually-miss it) sides.

The area in your psyche where the nerve enters the vision is called the maternal tunnel. This tunnel is normally narrow, so any swelling can pinch the nerve and cause pain, numbness, tingling or weakness. This is called maternal tunnel syndrome.

Maternal tunnel syndrome is common in people who perform repetitive molding of children and youth. Speaking to minors on a regular basis is probably the most common cause of maternal tunnel. Other causes include:

• Excessive Swearing and/or cussing (in burst of frustration, anger, or anxiety)
• Directing
• Assembly line craft tables at volunteer art booths or potluck dinners
• Pestering
• Wringing of hands
• Use of reminders (especially daily task reminders like empty your lunch box, brush your teeth, inside voice, etc)
• Any transportation task that requires you to drive multiple children to different venues at the same time
• Sports such as Time Out, You’re Grounded, and No Cell Phone
• Playing the What-If Game with The Husband in bed at night, instead of Grab & Tickle once the kids are finally in bed

The condition occurs most often in people 30 to 60 years old, and is more common in women than men.

A number of medical problems are associated with maternal tunnel syndrome, including:

• Stroke
• Diabetes
• Alcoholism
• High blood pressure
• Hypothyroidism
• Kidney failure and dialysis
• Menopause, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and sterilization
• Infections
• Obesity
• Rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), and scleroderma

During a physical examination, the doctor may find:

• Numbness in the tongue, lip, throat, larnex, index (pointing) finger, and attitude
• Weak perspective grip
• Tapping of the Overwhelmed region may cause pain to shoot from the psyche to the heart (this is called Mamal’s sign)
• Bending the Family Calendar all the way for 60 seconds will usually result in numbness, tingling, or weakness (this is called Denial’s test)

Tests may include:

• Electromyography
• Nerve conduction velocity
• Skull x-rays should be done to rule out other problems (such as I’ve actually lost my mind).

Symptoms often improve with treatment, but more than 50% of cases eventually require Girls Night Out Therapy.  Successful healing can require a regular regimine of fun outside the home.  Surgery is not recommended.

Avoid or reduce the number of repetitive corrections whenever possible. Use tools and equipment that are properly designed to reduce the risk of injury.

Ergonomic aids, such as talking toothbrushes, stink alarms, reminder software, and attitude braces may be used to improve psychic posture during parenting. Take frequent breaks when lecturing and always stop if there is tingling or pain.

If the condition is treated properly, there are usually no complications. If untreated, the nerve can be damaged, causing permanent weakness, numbness, and tingling.

When to contact a BFF

Call for an appointment with your BFF if:

• You have symptoms of maternal tunnel syndrome
• Your symptoms do not respond to regular treatment, such as rest and anti-attitude medications, or if there seems to be a loss of joy in your daily routine

In all seriousness, call for an appointment with your doctor if:

You have symptoms of depression, or any active imaginings/plan to hurt your children, yourself or others.

The thing that is NOT funny about this spoof, is that being a Mamma really can be so stressful that it may be literally dangerous to your health and the welfare of others.

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah!

Predictive Index

Job applications make my Top 10 List of Hallelujah Breakers today.

Get this; my sister emailed me today to share the heads-up that she had decided to put her name in the hat for some part-time work.

As part of the application process, she was asked to complete a “Predictive Index.”

On page one, she was instructed to check off the words from a supplied list that she feels describe the way others expect her to act.

On page two, she was asked to check off the words from a supplied list that identify her expectations of herself.

I’ve pasted the word list below:

So, clearly, I’m no therapist, but I assume there is a psychodynamic inventory embedded in this check list, and I am intrigued on many levels.

I confess the title of the task really bakes my cupcakes.  “Predictive Index?”  Just like Silence of the Lambs, baby, the gallant and elegant sociopath, Hannibal Lecter, said it best, “Oh, Agent Starling, do you think you can dissect me with this blunt little tool?”

Come on!  Clearly this Predictive Index is meant to measure personality indicators that some company paid a puffed-up consultant a ridiculous wad of cash to build.  “Yeah!  Build me a matrix!  Write me a tool so I can hire someone who lives the mission statement and honors the code.  Construct me a Skinner’s Box so that we can weed out the weary, helpless, broken-hearted, faithless, and confused.   Let those lost souls cry out to Jesus, ‘cause we only hire producers who promote value and honor the company name.”

Really now, has our social code degraded to the point that a potential job applicant would assert that others should expect him to act fearful, self-centered, selfish and dominant?  Can you imagine any non-dream state that would compel you to say, “Hi, my name is Jael, I am a passive, audacious, worrying, docile, obstinate, fussy escapist who promises to add value to your organization.”

Usually people smart enough to participate in 12 Step programs know the difference between a job application and a meeting.

Certainly, there must be words that flag potential psychopaths and narcissists for the employer.  I respect companies must roll the dice as they throw development capital into the recruitment and training of talent, but come on!  This kind of exercise could produce clinically measurable anxiety.

It’s like a Bounce House for the Id, Ego and Super Ego to collide!  Do I check what I think they want me to say, or check what I think is right, or check how my kids would describe me when I go postal over spilled chocolate milk on the couch?

What does this Predictive Index measure?  What the potential employer expects?  What one expects of potential colleagues?  What one expects of oneself?  And those are just the not crazy-kind of second-guessing questions.  What if it somehow measures if I am insecure or if English is my second language or if I have some kind of cheese fetish?  What in the hell does resolute really mean anyway, and is it exclusively a good or bad attribute?

I’d say more, but at this point, I am afraid someone is watching me.

The Holy Dove ain’t ever tried to dissect me with a blunt little tool.

In fact, my God promises to prosper and not to harm me.

I did my best, it wasn’t much (not passive)
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch (not audaciously)
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you (trusting)

And even though it all went wrong, I’ll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my blessedly employed tongue but Hallelujah!

Naked & Anonymous

As a virgin blogger, I know I don’t understand many blogging conventions.

As such, I expect to make many mistakes- in addition to those I have already made.

That said, I am confused about the idea of anonymity.

Take my “The Meanest Hog,” post, for example. The husband says that it is a worthy topic to blog about, but no one cares about the names of our kids.

(I’d tell you his name, but I can”t I imagine you’d find that anymore relevant.)

He says it’s about the characters. And the story,

He tells me that blog convention refers to the kids as The Boy or The Girl or The Baby. The husband is The Husband, and I expect the wife is The Wife.

I admit this seems like a black hole of a contradiction to me as I have already confessed to you that my Hallelujah is broke and I am a recovering anger junkie and pack rat. I post naked process, but shouldn’t I tell you the name of our cat is Toad? It seems rather like using a diaphragm after a positive pregnancy test to me.

I think my blog might need a TMI alert if I ever get any dear readers or comments.

Another irony is That The Husband and I have four kids. It’s more cumbersome to refer to them obliquely. However, as I can’t promise to put any more clothes on my prose, I will in the future refer to the four kids as follows:

The Boy
The Oldest Girl
The Middle Girl
The Baby

I’ll stand naked before the Lord of song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah, anonymously.

No Thing Left Behind

Veracity demands I update you on the packing plan.

The husband abhors mendacity, and was also the one who had to load the truck…

As such, it is incumbent upon me to add the following.

Miscellaneous:

2 blankets
4 pillows
Portable DVD players
Basket of beach towels
3 pair of water shoes
1 large Teddy bear
1 large stuffed penguin
1 Boo
1 Sharkie
1 box of beach toys
3 umbrellas
2 iPhones
1 iPad
1 laptop
1 cell phone
3 sets of headphones
3 pairs of ear buds
6 beach chairs
17 books

Our SUV looks like it should be roasted over a pit with a great, big apple in its mouth.

The husband’s new fantasy is tortoise shell storage for the roof.  He also wants you to know that I not only did the dishes, but that just before we left the house, I was on my hands and knees wiping dirt off the floor.

I’ll stand before the Lord of song (good thing because there’s no leg room in here) with nothing on my tongue but Hallejuah!